Is it Mathias in Casino Royale who comments, “It’s amazing what you can do with Photoshop these days” as the wrong guy is carted off by French police due to some sort of identity forgery?  Diehard Bond fans were distraught at the absence of Q in Daniel Craig’s first outing, but I think the point made is that technology has advanced SO MUCH since the kitsch Sean Connery 1960s that nowadays anyone can be a super-sleuth.  We can track people via their cellphones and bank statements; you can stalk people using the Internet; it’s relatively simple now to generate a false passport, driver’s licence etc. (I bet you alarm bells are ringing somewhere EVEN AS I TYPE THIS and guys with black suits and dark glasses are loading into a van to turn up at my house and drag me off.  It’s all true! And those towers were a detonation, not a collision!)

Yes, it’s true: even balding hunch-banked stuttery Chucks-wearing mullet-man David could be Bond.  Here’s a photo I took, on my cellphone, at the end of this afternoon’s rehearsal …


… and here’s the same photo 10 minutes after I’d downloaded it onto my computer …

lightsabre test 1

Pretty impressive, huh?  The graphic design firm who do all those horrendous atrocious even-a-five-year-old-wouldn’t-vomit-on-it posters for Circa would have charged $1000 for such computer wizardry – but I tell you, if even I can manage the above simple feat, then the end is nigh.  Question every image you see.  It’s bound to have been tampered with.  Nothing is what it seems.  Tell everyone!  Believe my words, for they are certain and unfallible!

Next time: Aliens Built The Pyramids, I Tell You!